Although we fear a stranger danger or that some creep will jump out at us from behind a bush, the reality is that more than 80% of physical aggression comes from people we know. On the other hand, research shows that if we choose to fight back, we have a better than 87% chance of succeeding.
However, defending ourselves physically against someone we like is much harder than defending ourselves against a stranger. So how do we effectively defend and protect ourselves in love and infatuation?
So how love relates to self-defense? I am glad that my friend, Kristýna Mertlová, who is the founder of Date2K, and also an expert on modern relationships, accepted the invitation for a virtual interview.
Kristýna, let’s discuss the 5 principles of self-defense according to the concept of Empowerment Self Defense, which I promote in the Czech Republic under the term Self Defense for Everybody, and how these principles can work especially in the early stages of love relationships.
The first principle is Think. It involves using your senses, trusting your own intuition, and emphasizing prevention. I gathered from talking with you that big love doesn’t have to start with the big flare-up. But what if my intuition tells me that this partner isn’t quite the right fit? Can intuition betray us? Or is intuition always „right“ but we don’t know how to listen to it? In my workshops, I give the example of a doe that gets overwhelmed when a twig snaps and very often runs away. She doesn’t address whether it’s not just her imagination, whether it might actually be a friendly crackle and other ways.
Intuition has several levels in dating. When it comes to safety on a date, I would definitely go with intuition and if I get a sense from a counterpart that something doesn’t add up, I would proceed with caution in approaching and avoid situations that could be potentially dangerous. Like being alone with the other person. Therefore, I find the doe metaphor appropriate.
But when it comes to intuition in choosing a partner, there I think it’s more complex and our intuition needs to be more critically examined. In dating we sometimes unnecessarily overestimate attraction and the big flare. At the same time, we tend to be rather critical of partners in the first stage of getting to know them, and sometimes details take our attention – he laughs too loudly, he doesn’t do enough sports, he has a big nose. This is where knowing how to consciously redirect attention to the things that are important to the relationship – perhaps kindness, respectful behavior, or similar values.
Are there any „red flags“ for relationships? Signals that this person may be a potential aggressor. During workshops, we recommend paying attention to whether the partner really respects us, whether he/she does not put us down in front of others, whether he/she respects our boundaries and, last but not least, how he/she relates to those who are weaker or animals. What would you recommend paying attention to?
I completely agree. I would add paying attention to whether their words and promises match their actions and noticing consistency in their behavior. If it’s a big love one day, but then they don’t respond to my message for a week, I would be cautious. And finally, it is imperative to agree with your counterpart on the intention with the relationship. Do we both want a serious relationship? Or do we both want to see each other casually and if so, what does that mean? And when someone tells us they are not looking for a serious relationship, let’s believe them and not try to convince them otherwise. That usually fails and has a painful ending.
The second principle is Yell. This recommendation is not just about shouting, but about using your voice to set boundaries. Do you recommend communicating openly and directly from the beginning? Rather to set or define firm boundaries and then release them? I often find that others don’t always intend to do us harm, but simply if we don’t speak up, they don’t really see our boundaries.
I believe that open communication is the best to set in a relationship from the very beginning. After the first date, I can start asking how my counterpart perceives things between us or pointing out things that I’m not comfortable with. Yes, it’s challenging because we make ourselves vulnerable, we show our feelings and needs. But others can’t read our minds and only through open communication can we create a relationship in which we are both comfortable. It is not a good idea to put off communication until later in the relationship or in a conflict situation. It may be paradoxical, but it is easiest to communicate about a relationship at the beginning, when the relationship is still forming.
The third principle is called Run. This is not just taken as a physical escape, but more broadly it is about leaving an uncomfortable situation, de-escalating an agitated situation, or leaving a dysfunctional relationship. Is there a formula for when to forgive and when to walk away?
There is probably no general answer here. If there is physical or psychological violence in the relationship, it obviously doesn’t make sense to stay in the relationship. But at the same time, I believe that many problems can be handled in a relationship and that we can grow out of a crisis as a couple and as individuals. The crucial thing is that both partners must be interested in the relationship. I don’t find it good to stay in a relationship that the other doesn’t want, and we have to convince the other of our own worth. On the one hand, it is important to see the relationship as a skill and to work on it when problems arise. On the other hand, it’s good to be able to recognize the ending and walk away.
Many will be surprised to learn that in the context of self-defense, it is only the fourth principle in the order of Fight. That is, the physical defense necessary to preserve one’s own safety. As I mentioned in the beginning, sometimes it is harder to defend ourselves against someone close to us, with whom we are connected by the good times, the past and maybe even the children. Where is the imaginary line beyond which it is no longer good to go?
That line is different for everyone, and I find it especially important not to leave relationships quickly and in affect, but to see the separation as a longer process that we went through as a couple. Do we know what we’re breaking up over? Have we tried to resolve our issues? If the same issues have come up in my past relationships, isn’t there some work on myself that I need to do before breaking up as an individual? There are a number of these questions, of course, but rather I want to emphasize the importance of a conscious approach to the breakup. In any case, the end of a relationship is not a failure, but we need to focus on the way we break up and ensure that our future contact is respectful, especially if we are parents.
And let’s come to the last point which is sharing. Sharing without blaming, judging, so-called secondary victimization. Just as we have five principles of self-defense, we should have five friends we could confide in. Not everyone will listen to us in that moment, not everyone will be sympathetic. What principles for sharing do you recommend?
I agree that sharing is an important element of interpersonal relationships, and I can think of three tips for it. First, let’s make sure the other party has the space and interest to listen to us. Perhaps with a simple question: „could I tell you about my date with John, it was kind of weird, so it would be helpful to talk about it if you have a moment?“ Secondly, if the other party is quick to jump to advice and solutions to the situation, but we are not ready for that yet, we can sensitively say what we need, „those are great tips, I just don’t think I’m at the stage where I can think constructively about solutions yet, it would be most helpful if I could just share that with you right now.“ Finally, sharing is not an obligation and even if we choose to share, we don’t have to share everything, and we can stop at any time.
